Nurturing the Spirit of Giving and Gratitude

 

By Emily A. McDougall, LMFT

 

 

As we all know exceedingly well, parenting is one of the toughest jobs in the world. Not only are we constantly focused on keeping our kids as safe and healthy as possible, we are also responsible for guiding them to be kind and compassionate people. I am sure that you, as much as I, want to be proud of the thoughtful, unselfish, grateful, and hopefully altruistic adults that we someday release into the world. But when I hear my children’s all too frequent sibling arguments to the tune of, “That’s mine! Give it back!”, or receive a heavy sigh with eye-roll because they are unhappy with what’s for breakfast, I am not so sure if my hopes will come to fruition.

During times like these, I am reminded that parenting with intention is so very important. By this I mean being very deliberate in my parenting actions and interventions to bring about the change I want to see. Nurturing the spirit of giving and gratitude is not incredibly difficult, but I think it must be addressed with consistency and with intention.

Here are a few thoughts on how to encourage giving and gratitude with meaning and on a regular basis. Instilling such virtues takes time (and parental patience - I can attest to that).

1.       Help children understand the difference between a want and a need.

This can be a blurry concept for kids. “I need a new video game” is not equal to “I need warm clothes”. One is necessary for healthy survival, and the other (although it may be truly desired) is not. Asking clarifying questions may help children gain clearer understanding. For example, “What will happen if you do not get something you want (such as a new toy, cool jeans, or the next generation electronic), compared to not getting something you need (like food, shelter, or kindness)?

2.       Bring conversation to what they observe around them.  

Address, on an age-appropriate level, the difficult topics of homelessness, hunger, and poverty when they see it in daily life. Unfortunately such suffering is ever present. Such observations will continue to make the distinction between a need and a want all the more real. Try not to turn a blind eye to the struggles of those around us. If we do, our kids will as well.

3.       Brainstorm ways of giving.

What can I do? What can you do? What can we do? Kids can offer great ideas of ways to help others. It can be very meaningful to ask their opinion. Such inquiry can validate their ability to be truly effective in helping others – They may be small, but they are capable of having a big impact.

Donating unused toys and clothes that they have outgrown to those that need them is a simple way to start giving. Encouraging our kids to make regular sweeps of their rooms and closets for donation items can keep the needs of others present for them.  Engaging in this activity as a family can be even more meaningful, as it demonstrates the family’s value of giving.

4.       Turn gratitude into a topic of regular conversation.

This topic comes up a lot at Thanksgiving, but we all have so much to be grateful for - Let’s talk about it more often. What are you grateful for today? How do you show that gratefulness? Such discussions can be part of your dinner conversations, after school check-ins, or incorporated into a child’s bed-time routine.

Regular conversations on values that we, as parents, find meaningful and wish to instill in our children are necessary for the development of those values. But one of the very best ways that kids learn is through observation. Our kids are constantly learning from what they see us do, even when we may not realize it. How do we model gratitude and giving for them? How do we demonstrate compassion and kindness?  Mahatma Gandhi’s quote of, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world” is very salient for us parents. If we wish to see goodness and giving from our kids, they must see these virtues demonstrated by us first.