By Emily A.
McDougall, LMFT
As we all know exceedingly well, parenting is one
of the toughest jobs in the world. Not only are we constantly focused on
keeping our kids as safe and healthy as possible, we are also responsible for
guiding them to be kind and compassionate people. I am sure that you, as much
as I, want to be proud of the thoughtful, unselfish, grateful, and hopefully
altruistic adults that we someday release into the world. But when I hear my
children’s all too frequent sibling arguments to the tune of, “That’s mine!
Give it back!”, or receive a heavy sigh with eye-roll because they are unhappy
with what’s for breakfast, I am not so sure if my hopes will come to fruition.
During times
like these, I am reminded that parenting with intention is so very important.
By this I mean being very deliberate in my parenting actions and interventions
to bring about the change I want to see. Nurturing the spirit of giving and gratitude
is not incredibly difficult, but I think it must be addressed with consistency
and with intention.
Here are a few
thoughts on how to encourage giving and gratitude with meaning and on a regular
basis. Instilling such virtues takes time (and parental patience - I can attest
to that).
1. Help children understand the difference
between a want and a need.
This
can be a blurry concept for kids. “I need
a new video game” is not equal to “I need warm clothes”. One is necessary for
healthy survival, and the other (although it may be truly desired) is not.
Asking clarifying questions may help children gain clearer understanding. For
example, “What will happen if you do not get something you want (such as a new
toy, cool jeans, or the next generation electronic), compared to not getting something
you need (like food, shelter, or kindness)?
2. Bring conversation to what they observe
around them.
Address,
on an age-appropriate level, the difficult topics of homelessness, hunger, and poverty
when they see it in daily life. Unfortunately such suffering is ever present. Such
observations will continue to make the distinction between a need and a want
all the more real. Try not to turn a blind eye to the struggles of those around
us. If we do, our kids will as well.
3. Brainstorm ways of giving.
What
can I do? What can you do? What can we do? Kids can offer great ideas of ways
to help others. It can be very meaningful to ask their opinion. Such inquiry
can validate their ability to be truly effective in helping others – They may be
small, but they are capable of having a big impact.
Donating
unused toys and clothes that they have outgrown to those that need them is a
simple way to start giving. Encouraging our kids to make regular sweeps of
their rooms and closets for donation items can keep the needs of others present
for them. Engaging in this activity as a
family can be even more meaningful, as it demonstrates the family’s value of
giving.
4. Turn gratitude
into a topic of regular conversation.
This topic comes up a lot at Thanksgiving,
but we all have so much to be grateful for - Let’s talk about it more often.
What are you grateful for today? How do you show that gratefulness? Such
discussions can be part of your dinner conversations, after school check-ins,
or incorporated into a child’s bed-time routine.
Regular
conversations on values that we, as parents, find meaningful and wish to
instill in our children are necessary for the development of those values. But
one of the very best ways that kids learn is through observation. Our kids are
constantly learning from what they see us do, even when we may not realize it.
How do we model gratitude and giving for them? How do we demonstrate compassion
and kindness? Mahatma Gandhi’s quote of,
“Be the change that you wish to see in the world” is very salient for us
parents. If we wish to see goodness and giving from our kids, they must see
these virtues demonstrated by us first.
